Marriage Maxims Minimized

Preparing to marry in the Catholic church requires a lot of prep seemingly designed to measure the amount of stress a relationship between an agnostic guy and Catholic girl can take to bring the couple closer together.

During the retreat there were experienced couples sharing their stories of marriage - tips to make the relationship last and flourish. And I listened. Contritely. After all, we had already been friends for 8 years, we had a child well on her way to 2, and I knew dang well I went to bed angry. More than once. And I knew he had, too. There seemed to be an abundance of couples in the world who had a lovely anecdote ready to share - and our relationship was not living up to the generally accepted "guidelines for a great marriage." Nah, no stress there. But we persevered - the only casualty being an electric griddle which I still miss to this day. Twenty years later.

Yes, today marks the 20th anniversary (china anniversary) of my marriage. It seems going to bed angry doesn't derail a marriage after all. In fact there are lots and lots of "guidelines" we have both broken more than a couple of times.

But here are some we use:

1. Show compassion for each other: "Obviously you are hurt, so call the doctor! What do you think I can do?"

2. Use flirtation to stay connected on a fun level: "Oh baby, you know how excited I get when you fold the laundry."

3. Make alone time for yourselves as a couple: "I gotta get out of the house, wanna run to Walmart with me?"

4. Share your hobbies: "I thought I'd come stand here and watch you sand some wood for a bit before I go back to reading my book."

5. Discuss all major decisions as a team: me:"The baby was removed from her parents and we need to take her." him: "Okay. I'll leave work now."

What? We live by the letter of the rules if not the spirit. What we do have is a spirit of of loyalty and a shared history that reminds us of our connection and devotion. I know that when the world seems hostile and I just want someone on my side he will be there for me. Whether it's tagging off in parenting or deciding a home project we are partners. Partners don't always see things the same, and they certainly don't do things the same, but they are willing to share the responsibility and the rewards. We laugh - at the silly moments and sometimes at the darkest moments. We love - everyday and through the annoyances.

So it is to that nervous girl wondering if her husband-to-be is going to be on time, attired appropriately, if he will break her heart or be there for the duration I say, relax. Life is not easy, but you have a partner who will face it with you. Here's to the next 20 years.

Twenty-Five Birthdays

"Sure, I'll go," she off-handily offered. "Let me tell my mom."

After a quick check-in they were off, part of the group. Gradually, the laughter and calls dwindled as the two allowed the many to outpace and drift away.

They continued. Walking casually through streets each knew well - he from his daily journey to each morning and from just before every curfew; she from the familiarity found in home towns - they talked of nothing and everything. Comfortable, as friends always seem, to enjoy the silences and the laughter equally. Only bothered by the nagging sense that perhaps she should have some gift, though he insisted not.

Arriving at last, a flurry of activity takes place. There are introductions, cake, and baby cousins to keep her just a bit off-balance. There is the story of how much money he spent on the concert shirts that day and the slight discomfort that always accompanies being with any parents or adults other than our own. But, he is her friend and surprising even herself, she feels some comfort here.

Eventually, the two are alone again. Slouched postures, knees brushing lightly on the top step counting cars as they pass. Calling out "padiddle" and giving a playful punch as the game - and lacking headlights - required. Final tally was nearing a keg for her - which they laughingly agreed he could bring to her wedding one day.

Would you have told him then that this was only the first of 25 birthdays (and counting) he would share in some way with her, he probably would have laughed. He would have blushed at the idea that he would indeed carry the keg in to her wedding - little knowing it would in fact be his as well. But, life sometimes works just as we hope and birthday wishes can come true.

Happy Birthday my love! May all your birthday wishes come true.

Home Repair

After 5 years of friendship, a couple of years of dating and almost 15 years of marriage you know someone. Growing up and older with a person leads you to believe you have a pretty good handle on their personality. Daily responsibilities tend to be divided by interests and areas of expertise. So if you had asked me to describe my husband to you that morning, I would have felt confident in my summery. Until we began putting on a new front door.

We decided to tackle this project together. I read the Home Depot book and he watched Lowes home repair videos. We were set to go. We began early, in the event that it took longer than the 3 hour suggested time. It did. Four hours plus 2 more trips to the hardware store longer. The project estimates were apparently given for people who live in a house so new, nothing has settled , everything is square, and obviously they don't need a new door. But I digress.

We laughed, joked, and commiserated over our sadly out of square opening. We came up with plans together, the neighbor came by to lend his tools. Nothing seemed off in my previous assessments of my husband. 

Until I realized I hadn't touched one tool, other than to hand it to him or take it from him. 

Now, understand I know I am not the most coordinated person on the block and when I paint a room it may look as though it was done by a kid, but surely I can hammer a nail. Nope. Not a hammer, not a pry bar, certainly not an electric saw or drill was put to use by me - once. Heck Boy had more tool exposure than I did by hammering the nails in the old frame flush so as not to wound the garbage men.

Who knew this chauvinistic chivalrous side of him existed? Apparently not me, as I practically begged for a chance to whack something with a hammer.

That Music Will Put Your Eye Out

Recently Hubby and I (alone, no minor chaperons attached) flew into our favorite city for a concert wedding. It was purely coincidental that Riot Fest was happening the same weekend and that Hubby won all access passes to every show of the event hours on facebook finally pay off Though we would have liked to see every show, there are obligations with a wedding: drinking, bachelor party, more drinking. But there was one show in particular we were not going to miss, The Mighty Mighty Bosstones, Less than Jake, and a few other ska-type bands. 

In what may have been a preemptive attack on rapid aging I donned my doc martins, jeans and a T then headed to the show with an old friend and our guys. We watched the show from a safe distance for awhile. (There is much dancing about with elbows and knees flying in various directions at a punk rock show.) The ladies, uh yeah, in this scenario that would be me, had decided we WOULD be heading to the main floor for the Bosstones, and I took advantage of a loll in the show to get some fresh air bonus of all access passes, can enter and leave at will

So it was that I was milling about on Irving Park Rd. and 3 security guys/cops burst through the door with a concert-goer, we'll call him Guy, in tow. Guy was promptly deposited on the street near a wall while staff talked among themselves. Such behavior is sure to draw an interest. Yes, I was gawking, along with a few other groups milling about. In a crouched fetal position, Guy was holding his crumpled shirt tightly to his face. 

A nearby group assumed he had been the receiver of a badly placed elbow and had a bloody nose. One wondered aloud why the guy was hyperventilating, and why there was an ambulance coming. His tone implying Guy needed to "man-up."  On closer attention it happened that yes, a badly placed elbow was to blame. But no mere nosebleed here. Guy's eye had literally been popped from its socket. At which point I said aloud to no one, "If my eye pops out, feel free to call an ambulance." To which I was assured by the nearby group that they would indeed do that service for me. 

Maybe my mother was right all my teens and 20's and there are things that will put your eye out.

Yes, I still went to the main floor, though Hubby (bless his heart) was worried for my safety trying very hard not to read into this that he thinks I'm too feeble to dodge a few elbows

Falling Off the Roof

One pleasant morning everyone was busy playing and relaxing. Boy and Hubby had gone outside to test fly Boy's new light weight remote control helicopter. They hadn't been gone long when Boy came in to tell me, "Dad got it stuck on the roof."

Being the nosy helpful creature I am, I went out to investigate. (Still sporting my slippers and PJ's) Hubby was warily eying the ladder and the roof when I arrived on the scene. Quickly sizing up the situation, I announced I would make the trek up the ladder. Hubby promptly held it stable as I climbed up to and then on the roof. I shimmied to the run away copter and returned to the roof edge with the prize. Hubby said he had the ladder and that I should watch my step getting onto the ladder. After making some flippant comment, as I've been known to do once or twice, I slid my slippered feet to the ladder. I am not sure, even now, exactly how it happened I blame the slippers. I know I had felt the ladder rungs and then I didn't. Just as my brain registered it was about to be bashed into the walkway leading to the front door, I was landing in Hubby's arms.

He looked down at me cradled there and said, "Hello, love." While trying to swallow back my heart which had lately realized the danger and was threatening to escape through my mouth, I hugged him close, speechless. (Boy of course thought this was hilarious and cool all at the same time and was laughing and babbling excitedly.) 

Though this happened over 2 years ago, it occurs to me today, on our wedding anniversary. There has never been a soul who I have felt is more firmly in my corner than my husband. And just as he illustrated so well that Christmas morn, we make a great team. So, to Hubby I say thank you, I love you and it's a good thing you caught me, or I wouldn't have a story for today!

It Works for Us

We all know the classic rules of romance. Wine and dine, romantic words, and stolen glances across crowded rooms. From the beginning of my relationship with my hubby, we have never met the conventions of traditional romance. 

From spending our teen nights hanging out in a field, or talking on the phone 1200 miles apart to mutually deciding the time get married had arrived as we drove down the highway with our one-year-old laughing in the backseat, we have had our own way of doing things. Comfortable, loving, fun, with a touch of sarcasm thrown-in to keep life interesting. So when a holiday comes along that sets standards of how we should behave in our relationship, it should come as no surprise that we tend to rebel. 

We did go out for a dinner alone - but it was Saturday. This was followed in the distinctly non-romantic venue of a local comedy club where we met some friends and laughed until the tears rolled. After this, we made a stop to pick-up treats for our little valentines. Romantic? Certainly not by any traditional standard ever established by a group of my peers. 

Today found us hanging out at home. With youngest in bed with strep, we had nixed all weekend family plans. The house was full of family and we stole the living room to watch a comedy while the kids were doing their own things. We spent the early evening out alone. Ahhh - you're thinking, romance at last. Well, it could be. If you find teasing and laughing your way through the grocery store romantic. It sounds lame to many, I know. 

But to me it isn't the place, it's all about the company. His laughing, "I love you" after a particularly goofy dance across the room is better than a diamond pendant. Now, it's off to eat some more chocolate. What? Some traditions are worth keeping!