Treat or Terror?

Was looking for something to share with my writing class today and ran across this old post from 2/1/10. It is classic. Enjoy :)

Lifestyle changes have swept my home slowly over the past year. In an effort to be healthy, we all try to eat good foods everyday. That is not to say a can of spaghettios can't make it way through the door, but serving up some fast-food drive-through for dinner just doesn't fly. It was largely due to these facts that my family found itself having a huge treat on a Weds night. Well, that and my moaning about cooking while recovering from the flu. 

We took the kids to a Japanese Grill and Sushi bar. We had gone before, when Youngest was only 3- see a big treat. The kids were surprised and on their "going to dinner" behavior, so I was relaxed and happy at the prospect of dinner and entertainment. As we greeted the couple forced destined to share our table, Youngest's eyes sparkled with enthusiasm. Dinner was turning into a full-out adventure in her five-year-old world. 

When the chef came to the grill and began everyone was happily watching. He has the show and Youngest was seated squarely in front of the grill, the best seat at the table. At the first sight of flames, she shrank back into her chair and father simultaneously. A soft squeal escaping her lips. She was duly comforted, and convinced of the safety of her seat. At least until the fire was made known again through an onion "candle" burning to the side. Youngest could no longer keep her cool and she was standing squarely behind me for the rest of the cooking portion. 

Eventually dinner was done cooking and Youngest was convinced to regain her seat and enjoy her food halfway through the meal. She was just beginning to eat with gusto when the grill behind her was set on fire.  She informed me with all the indignity a 5 year-old can muster, "This place is terrifying!" While restraining myself to mere chuckles I escorted her to the bathroom to take an opportunity to calm her. She was firm. She was full, and done with dinner. I agreed we could go, and we headed to the table to gather our things, mostly doggie bags. Just as I was gathering our things, the chef cleans the grill with a douse of cleaner and a towering inferno.  Without turning her head or batting an eye, she released a reverberating "AHHHHHH!!!" and dove under the table! The entire restaurant was in giggles as she scurried to me and firmly announced done with dinner, and would wait for us outside. Which she did. Accompanied by Teen who was done eating and had our doggie bags in hand and Boy who was thrilled that he would have left-overs in his lunch. Oh-well at least 4 out of 5 enjoyed the evening!

Armchair Parenting

It's sure to be the next big hit. Simply follow these easy steps and you, too, can be making decisions, judgements, and suggestions for things you know nothing about.

Step One: Have your child removed from your care because you are not any or all of the following: sane enough; sober enough; conscientious enough; parent enough to raise/care for your own child.

Step Two: Have sporadic 1-hour visits with your child making lame excuses for the visits you miss. Be sure to have zero contact with anyone connected to your child or her well-being for at least 4 months in a row (fully one HALF of the baby's life to date), then come back and profess your undying love for the baby, throwing-in how much you miss her and are such a good mommy.

Step Three: Be sure to throw a fit over any bug bite or left-over healing chicken pock that you had no idea existed because you did NOT see her for FOUR months. Refuse to listen to the reassurances from the supervisors of your visit (who also work for the state), but wait a FULL WEEK before your vengeance "concern" leads you to call DCF to report your "concerns" along with your exaggerations and lies. Because of course you believe that they will magically return the baby to your care. Send DCF to the home of the totally normal family who loves and cares for your daughter as if she were your own for the THIRD time with false allegations.

Step Four: After having two visits and cancelling a third, show you are a loving parent by insisting your child be put through the pain and ordeal of allergy testing because you are certain she has allergies from the 2 hours you have spent with her in the past 5 months. 

Step Five: Insist you know everything though you have not the slightest inkling of what parenting involves, who her doctor is, or even how much diapers cost. Never open a book to read what milestones are approaching, or look into the "allergies" you are certain she must have. Don't forget to continue partying like a rock star while you lament the fact that you unfairly had your baby taken from you by evil-doers who are out to get you.

Finally: Be sure to blame everyone but yourself for the problems in your life and continue to insist you are doing everything in your power to regain custody while never confronting the fact that problem is you.

This is my life. Am I bitter? Possibly, but only because I am terrified she will do just enough to have this precious, perfect baby handed to her, while still remaining unchanged.